That Pesky Little Voice

For the last couple weeks I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to silence a voice in my head that says “you messed up”.  Let me give you some background on this one:

My goal was to have my latest book project done enough to send off to some groups that were interested and a couple other folks. The project itself keeps growing and honestly, it keeps getting better and better. But that’s beside the point…

Writing this book has provided me with an amazing time of leading and listening to the Lord. I’m loving each minute of this creative process, but it has definitely been a process.

I’ve always prayed that any project, career, or idea I agree to do will remain in 2nd or 3rd place behind my family. My boys are growing up fast and they need me.  My husband works so hard. He’s usually the first one in the office and the last one to leave and he does amazing work – but let’s face it, he needs me to take care of things here at the house.

Even though my mom, wife and housekeeper duties were going to stick around, I set a goal for myself. The plan was to have the first 4 chapters of the book done and sent off by January 31st.  As we all know, our plans can be well-laid, but it’s the Lord’s plans that will prevail (Proverbs 19:21). Due to illness, school events, sports and other things, I have clearly seen the Lord’s plans for this past month: for me to take care of my family!

So that’s what I’ve been doing. There have been precious moments when a mom, whose son is in James’ preschool class, has taken James home with her so I could have a solid day to just write. At other times Matt would let me get out of the house and work. My college roommate, Mary, even helped with editing anything I had written!  Even with these kind gestures I didn’t meet my goal.

Here it is – the middle of February and I am so very, very close – but alas, I’m still not done.

So the voice in my head saying, “you messed up” is followed with feelings of fear, doubt, guilt and anxiety. Will I EVER finish!? Will ANYONE want to publish this book!? Have I missed a window of opportunity!?

I shared some of my concerns with Keri, our Smarter Moms event coordinator, and she said something that has stuck with me. She said with kindness and confidence, “You CANNOT mess up God’s plan.”

I just smiled – she was right! I’m doing my best and that’s all God asks of me.  I might be “in control” of my little world, but I’ll never tell God what to do – He’s in charge – and that’s a GOOD thing.  I’m being obedient to what I’m suppose to do right now…I’m being a wife and mother. The writing will come and I don’t need to fret or worry (Matthew 6:25).

Don’t get me wrong – I think you can be a mom, wife, professional and STILL write a book. But let’s be realistic. Something has to give, we can’t keep all of these roles active and successful all the time.  The last thing I want to do is tell my family, “Your needs will have to wait. I have a book to write”.  Instead I’m saying, “Book, you’ll have to wait. My family has needs”.  It sounds easy, but sometimes it can be really tough to live out that statement.

I’ve decided to focus on my family and let my writing and professional goals take care of themselves.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m not sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I’m still writing, still dreaming…What’s changed? The voice that is NOW in my head.

Keri is right. This isn’t about me, it isn’t up to me, it isn’t MY project. This is something God has put on my heart and He alone knows the timetable and process that needs to happen.

The new voice in my head? It’s much better: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans” (Proverbs 16:3)

Maybe you had a plan for when you’d have a baby, what they would be like and what path your life would take.

As moms we make plans in order to get things done…but sometimes it’s nice to remember that it isn’t all about us, or up to us.  All we have to do is commit our activities and plans to the Lord…HE will make the plans and we get to follow those plans.

God is in control, even when things feel chaotic.

I am very interested in how all of this is going to turn out. I’m truly curious to see how God is going to put the pieces together and how I’ll fit into His plan. Who knows, maybe this book will be put away for a few years and THEN become a reality. I hope that isn’t the case, but if it is, I’m okay with letting go of my plans and accepting God’s timing.

For now I’m watching God challenge me, grow me and make me more dependant on Him.

It’s not a particularly fun process, but I’m not fighting it like I use to. I’m just sitting back and watching God move. I don’t have to orchestrate things, I just have to obey.

Thanks for being a part of this journey with me. I hope to have some sort of news to share with you soon.  For now, please know that I’m praying for each of you. I’m praying God’s plans are clear and you are enjoying peace during the journey.

If the Lord happens to bring me, or this ministry, to your mind; I would covet your prayers. Thank you for being so supportive and wonderful!


2 Responses to “That Pesky Little Voice”

  1. 1 Lindsey Bell February 16, 2012 at 7:55 PM

    I love your honesty in this post. I struggle with this SO much-feeling constantly torn between writing and family. Thank you for sharing. It has really encouraged me to keep my priorities in line.

    • 2 Kasey Johnson February 16, 2012 at 11:50 PM

      Lindsey – I’m just glad I’m not alone! I guess we’ll just keep pressing on and know that God will bless our efforts – even if those efforts happen in 5 minute sessions :o) Hang in there girl – you are doing great!

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